John Carrier

I think most people are wrong about love.  Statistically, that means you are wrong about love, too.

This is something I’ve been ruminating on for a while, but my initial desire to make a single, complete statement on the subject has prevented me thus far from voicing the essential kernel of the idea and simply starting a conversation.

The kernel, in a nutshell, is this:

There are two broad categories of verbs: Normal and Non-Continuous.  I won’t go into complete definition here but suffice it to say that Normal Verbs include observable actions…run, jump, vote, and wiggle.  Non-Continuous Verbs include abstract notions that cannot be seen…want, cost, care, and own.

My thesis is that the majority of people (henceforth: Group A) think of the verb “to love” in its Non-Continuous sense.  Group A thinks “to love” means to sense affection or attraction for someone or something.  I know I love chocolate because I get a good feeling (unobservable) when I eat it.

I (Group B) think that the full expression of the verb “to love” requires the kind of observable action that puts it squarely in the Normal category.  I love my wife by remarking on her fine qualities and making her coffee just the way she likes it.

Which is to say, “True love is completely normal.”

Furthermore, the more people who switch from Group A to Group B, the more observable positive change we will see, both on a personal and on a global level.  We need to stop loving humanity by feeling good about the existence of others and start handing out free rice.  We need to stop loving our children by crying when they don’t call and start loving them by getting involved in their lives so they DO call.

Who’s with me?

Who’s against me?

I have a lot more to say on this, but I’d like to hear other voices first.  Please leave a comment below, or better yet, take it up on your own blog and send me a link to your thoughts.

First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and wishes following my brother’s death.  At a time when I’ve seldom felt lower — Bobby was the first person I was close to who died of anything other than old age — I’ve also seldom felt more love from my friends and my community than I have this week.

Thank you.

Second, while my parents and sisters and I were attending to Bobby’s affairs (he had no spouse or heirs), we decided to start a foundation in his honor.  Now I feel compelled to act on that decision while we still have the emotional momentum of the event on our side.

I’m not asking for money.  (Not yet.)

I’m asking for information — experience, expertise, network contacts — from anyone who has any interest or experience in the following areas:

• Starting and incorporating a non-profit organization, such as a charity, foundation, or scholarship endowment.
• Working with at-risk youth, for example, teenagers with experience in the foster care or juvenille justice systems.
• Attending or working with outdoor leadership programs or wilderness survival schools.
• Fundraising, both online and IRL.

If you are interested in helping and are able to help, even if its just a few words based on your experience that will save my family from wasting scarce time or resources as we work toward making this a reality, please email me at the following address:

john (at-sign) johncarrier (dot) com

If you know of anyone with experience or interest in the areas above, please click on the “tell a friend” button below for a way to easily share this request with others in your address book (with total privacy, of course).

Thanks again for your love and support at this difficult time.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

–MK Gandhi

I’m in a bit of a quandary.  Perhaps you can help me out.

Since late last night (while up past my bedtime to prepare for Passover) I’ve been thinking of the famous, bumper-worthy quote above.  It has resonated with me since the first time I encountered it (in a collection of quotes, or perhaps on a t-shirt), and that resonance deepened when I read Gandhi’s autobiography a few years ago. 

It is a simple and direct yet elegant and profound instruction on how to live one’s life meaningfully, mindfully, and deliberately.  It is also incredibly existentially demanding.

That’s the trouble I’m having…not whether I can be the change - which is challenging enough - but exactly what change I want to see.

Where do I begin?

Where do I cease?

Beginning is easier: I want to live in a world in which people are less attached to their possessions and more committed to their relationships.  This is the primary change I want to see, a world where spending time with someone is more laudable that spending money on someone, or even worse, spending money on yourself to impress someone.

More concrete: everyone stop working so much - and I mean long hours, not hard work, since who really works hard anymore? - in order to buy stuff for your spouse or kids to make up for the fact that you work so much.  Leave work at a decent hour, go home, hug your kids, and gaze into your wife’s eyes for a full, uninterrupted minute.  Your kids will remember your warmth long after they forget what PlayStation is.  Your wife will not miss the trinket you could have bought with your overtime.

That’s the change I want to see.  I think I can start being that.

What change do you want to see?  Why can’t you be that change right now?

Wow. I thought only record companies had the gall to alienate their best customers with legalistic bullying. I was wrong.

Ford is now claiming ownership (in the sense of intellectual property) of all images of Ford vehicles, including photographs that Ford car owners take of their own cars. When a group of product enthusiasts called the Black Mustang Club tried to publish a calendar of their own cars on CafePress, Ford cease-and-desisted their behinds by releasing the legal hounds on CafePress.

Makes me want to use my best Bugs Bunny voice (all respects and posthumous royalties due to Mel Blanc): What a maroon.

This is not a rant against intellectual property rights. It’s a rant against bad marketing by companies grown-up enough to know better.

For the sake of “protecting” your brand, Ford, you have just alienated a group of people (at least twelve of them) who were likely to buy and actively promote your products for the rest of their lives.

In taking this action you’ve spread a little anti-marketing among many more people than every would have even heard of the BMC 2008 calendar otherwise.

Good show, Ford.

If you really need to pad the to-do list of your legal department so it appears they do something other than dig for loopholes in labor and pension laws, don’t you think your time could be better spent on a less desirable ideavirus?

Come to think of it, that white decal would stand out pretty well on a black Mustang.

Your turn:  How does your company (past, present, or future) treat its biggest fans?  On the flip side, what kind of treatment have you gotten by being a fan?

A friend of mine is starting a book club for fellow consultants, and she asked me to make a recommendation for our inaugural title and write a blurb about it.

I thought I’d share it with you…

*****

Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time by Keith Ferrazi and Tahl Raz

From consultant John Carrier:

This book was first recommended to me during a brief stint as a salesman…but please, keep reading!

Up to that point, I had been a heads-down consultant for about four years, focused on delivering great project results to whomever my client was at the time, but not taking an active role in networking or marketing myself for future projects. “Never Eat Alone” opened my eyes to a whole new dimension that my career (as well as my personal life) had been missing.

Often people who work in a highly technical field, such as finance and accounting, believe that their professional success depends far more on what they know than who they know — experience and competence rather than so-called “people” skills. They may even be turned off by the whole idea of intentional networking because it feels false or insincere. We all have an experience of meeting with someone who was clearly more interested in telling us about themselves that hearing about us. This gives relationship building a bad rap that it doesn’t deserve.

Ferrazzi addresses this negative perspective with his admonition to not be that “networking jerk.” On the contrary, taking a sincere interest in growing who you know, how well you know them, and how well they know you will have a dramatic impact on your success. This is especially true for consultants like us who are in the market for new and better employment more often than other professionals are.

Never Eat Alone isn’t just for salespeople, or for any one class of professional. It’s not about being the best schmoozer or collecting the most business cards at the next networking event. It is about working on your relationships — both business and personal — in a thoughtful, organized way to build a more successful and satisfying life. Reading it has changed my life, and I strongly recommend it to every colleague in the consulting business.

*****

…and your business, too.

If you have an opinion about how important relationships are (or aren’t) in your business, please leave a comment below.